Toronto night life

Thursday, June 28, 2007

My Final Defeat - Fixed Competition

She probably can't retrieve and One cognize Iodine can never forget...the first time I saw her similar that I was only nine years-oldnot naif by any stretchhaving seen my share of tragedy-my parent's acrimonious conflicts in my first five old age of lifethen the inevitable end of their marriagebut not before 700 old age of devastation called divorcethat destroyed dreamings and deeply damaged heartsI had no thought life could acquire worse...


But it did -


The twenty-four hours I establish her passed out cold on the life room floorI thought she was sleeping at firstIn fact I swore she was just sound asleep to my petrified small sisterwhose large brownish eyes screamed with fearfulness at the site of the exanimate organic structure of our mommyslobber dribbling out of the corner of her mouthsoaking her cheek below the soil of her oculus makeupthat trickled down her sallow tegument on a facedevoid of any expression...


Is ma dead?a small voice whimperedmy sister weeped


My intestine said Yeah she's dead as a doornail


Thankfully my words said No No she's not deadas I carried my trembling, bantam sibling upstairs and tucked her in bed with my promisethat Ma would aftermath up in the morning...as I wondered What if she didn't?


Little did I cognize I would inquire again and againfor the adjacent 20 yearswho I would see when I came place from school...my existent ma - you cognize her - the sober, sophisticated lady -or would I happen that ugly, wicked spiritlurking within my mommy's organic structure again?


I loathed that devil who called me atrocious namesand didn't cook dinner or make laundryI wanted to homicide the monster that growled at meslurring words, throwing things and staggering through our house...


So confused, embarassed, shocked, and dazedby how my ma would really be two people


But I learned early -


Never inquire questions...about anything at allNever tell...anyone - not a soulNever kick about the awful monsterfor fearfulness that it would take my existent ma away foreverNever trust anyone or even my tomorrows...since cipher ever knew if the wicked devil would be backNever experience anything...because it was easier to go completely numbthan to stomach the eternal hurting and loss twenty-four hours after day...


When I got older, I thought I could cover betterbut looking back now I cognize I was wrong...It didn't acquire easier, I just became paralyzedbehind the protective wall I built to be safe from her...


Nobody ever met the first male child I went on a day of the month withneither parent even knew his namemuch less what sort of auto I hopped intoor where we were supposed to be going...Because my dada wasn't around and she was drunkand I was ashamed, so I stood by the presence doorwaiting for Tommy's auto to come up down my streetand as soon as I saw it, I barged out the doorraced across the presence porch, skipped the steps, barely letting my feet touching the kerb beforeI bounced into his Chevy with my gleaming smilethat everyone knew me for -


The beaming face with the perpetually beaming smilethat I faked so often, it almost felt real...My cheerful frontage created to disguisemy existent torment and untold twined torture


Today at 30 years-old, I have got got perfected my cryptic mask as I huddle behind my forced, fulgurant smileand feigned nature of blissful peace and normalcy


Nobody ever acquires even a glance of the existent me - tormented by childhood memoriestossing and turning in my bed every night,haunted by frenetic flashes of bad dreams,reeling in faithless feelings, lingering self-doubt, bare disbelief, hopelessly


searching...for explanations, answersto my inquiries that haven't changed in 20 years...


But anything stopping point to apprehension seems to get away my emotional graspeternally eluding my ravished, raging mindand sense of ground and logic...


I surrended myself to a continual, compulsive scramblethrough a baleful labyrinth of misconceptionsthat I perpetuate with my naif expectationsfor a miracle to magically uncover a meaningful responseto my endlessly, impossible questions...


If I could just find...A eremitic ground whymy female parent have continued to take alcoholic beverage over mefor more than than 25 years...Or a single hint to explicate howI can vie for her love whenmy opposition is a lifeless, speechless, emotionlessloyal bottle of vodka...

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